Just Keep Going When You Go Too Far

Sometimes I really don't know how to use my words. When that happens I try using paints... and sometimes that doesn't quite work, either.

You know those times when you have a great idea, or a great image in your mind, and when you try to bring it to fruition it looks like trash in a blender? Yup, that's what happened when I tried to paint some apple blossoms. Seriously you guys, it was bad. I was going to cover the canvas with several coats of gesso and pretend nothing ever happened, but for some reason I left the painting leaning on my bedroom wall for several weeks instead. Finally, I ignored my plan to white-wash the thing and I started painting and drawing a new image over the old one. I ended up with what you see above: two close figures, evidence of a whole lot of water, something physical, something reminiscent of the psyche, and chaos mingled with intention. I like it.

I think my painting problems started when I decided to paint some blossoms just because they were bound to be pretty and accessible, instead of painting something real-- that is, something that I felt actually mattered, even if I couldn't say why. Sure, its nice to make things solely for another person's enjoyment, but if we don't put a part of ourselves into what we are creating it tends to come across as a bit fake and unappealing.

This has been a nice reminder to try to stay real, even if I don't feel sure of what that means. A few years ago a professor at Whitman College reminded me that sometimes we don't know what we are really painting about until months or years later. This concept stuck with me, and several times since I've noticed how true it can be. Several weeks ago I woke up and the first thing I saw was a figural painting I'd made about six months earlier. When I first started the painting I thought the face I'd chosen for the figure was random and entirely a figment of my imagination, resembling no-one in particular. When I woke up on that November morning six months later I realized that the face strongly resembled a friend of mine who had been on my mind quite a bit at the time the painting was made. It took a while, but I finally know what the painting is about. I am also reminded that, for me at least, there is more value in trying to work on a problem or painting that feels new and genuine, and then stuttering when someone asks for an explanation, than trying to feed the world an outdated idea that comes with a beautiful explanation but doesn't apply to much. Yay for truth, whatever that is!